Clyde  - mm@maelstrom.stjohns.edu - 7/12 & 7/25/01

The Buzz - 7/12

That first "bang" in the frontal lobes (that's where I feel it) is
orgasmic, full of a dizzying excitement and naughtiness that
encourages me to drink more. The second intensifies it yet takes the
edge off that excitement. And after awhile, my version of your
"mellow, warm calming buzz" gives me an extraordinary sense of
clarity! That's what I said! CLARITY! As if I had finally woken
from sleep, saw things for what they are and was able to ... I don't
know ... able to drink more? (I never could figure out what I was
supposed to do at that stage. It felt like I was supposed to do
something with this feeling ... but writing and speaking and such just
didn't seem to work "right.")

Reflections on NAL - 7/25

I can't really say that NAL ever left me feeling "dull" in the head, but then
again ... when you go from downing 1.5 - 4 liters of vodka/week to,
well, much, much, much, much less (I haven't had vodka in the house
for weeks!), I have to say I felt rather clear-headed...

However, I CAN say that I'm not only drinking less and less, I'm
finding that my interest in drinking has changed considerably. I buy
beer to bring home. I'm not a big beer drinker. For the past few
years I could never get satisfyingly drunk on it (get too full). But
I'm learning to love a cold one when I get home on a hot day. And I'm
learning that, with a little dinner, I'm ready to switch to a tall
pint glass full of ice and water. :) Hits the spot!

My perception of this last month is ... strange. Like our new friend [SB],
I've had to think of things to do to occupy time otherwise spent
drinking or recovering from drinking. What I tend to do in such
situations is drown myself in work. I've done this for years -- when
I don't drink, I work. Not good.

I need to learn how to relax and ... just "be."